To Keep My Love Alive

I married many men, a ton of them,
And yet I was untrue to none of them,
Because I bumped off every one of them
To keep my love alive.

Sir Paul was frail; he looked a wreck to me.
At night he was a horse's neck to me,
So I performed an appendectomy
To keep my love alive.

Sir Thomas had insomnia: he couldn't sleep at night.
I bought a little arsenic; he's sleeping now all right.

Sir Roger played the harp; I cussed the thing.
I crowned him with his harp to bust the thing,
And now he plays where harps are just the thing,
To keep my love alive,
To keep my love alive!

I thought Sir George had possibilities,
But his flirtations made me ill at ease,
And when I'm ill at ease, I kill at ease,
To keep my love alive

Sir Charles came from a sanatorium
And yelled for drinks in my emporium.
I mixed one drink; he's in memoriam,
To keep my love alive

Sir Percy was a singing bird, a nightingale, that's why
I tossed him off my balcony to see if he could fly.

Sir Jonathan indulged in fratricide;
He killed his dad and that was patricide.
One night I stabbed him at my mattress-side
To keep my love alive,
To keep my love alive!

I caught Sir James with his protectoress:
The rector’s wife, I mean the rectoress.
His heart stood still: angina pectoris,
To keep my love alive.

Sir Frank brought ladies to my palaces.
I poured a mickey in their chalices:
While paralyzed, they got paralysis,
To keep my love alive.

Sir Alfred worshipped falconry; he used to hunt at will.
I sent him on a hunting trip: They’re hunting for him still.

Sir Peter had an incongruity:
Collecting girls with promiscuity.
Now I’m collecting his annuity,
To keep my love alive,
To keep my love alive!

Sir Ethelbert would use profanity;
His language drove me near insanity.
So once again I served humanity,
To keep my love alive.

Sir Curtis made me cook each dish he ate,
And everything his heart could wish he ate,
Until I fiddled with a fish he ate,
To keep my love alive.

Sir Marmaduke was awfully tall; he didn’t fit in bed.
I solved that problem easily: I just removed his head.

Sir Mark adored me with formality;
He called a kiss an immorality.
And so I gave him immortality,
To keep my love alive,
To keep my love alive!